Oh shit, I think it's happening...

I'm absolutely starting to hate where I'm at. I'm hating my living situation, I'm hating my job situation, I'm hating my money (well lack of) situation, I'm hating my debt (abundance of) situation, I'm hating my dependencies, I'm hating my attachments ... I think I'm getting into the change-my-life phase... it happens to everyone, it happens for schooling, I think the life is hitting me now.

I'm going to start looking for a house to rent. School's not an issue now and so it's just work... in all honesty I need to find a new job. Even if I find a keyboard that's ps2 and ergo I still will have ongoing issues. This pain is not OK. With that, there's jobs everywhere. With all of Sac/Rancho/North Highlands/Natomas/Placer expanding like the Asian world we are (ribbit ribbit bounce bounce), I'll have no problem so long as I stick to it and don't fuck up and a job will come to me when I try. Meaning... if I find a house with affordable rent, I can live anywhere. I'll have atleast a year to get on my own feet and figure out what I'm going to do, be it start my career or go back to school full time or do both... part time school and careering while I go.

If I'm independent I'll be depending on myself and I'll wake up and do the shit that needs to be done... no one else will do it for me. I know how shitty I'm feeling about my situation now and I'll have this to look back on... no, I don't want to be back here. Convenience is nice, but so is comfort... and we now know that those aren't necessarily pluses in life. Infact they can quickly become horrible negatives.

Talking with Joe about his living situation and how we HATE the filth and shit and how his roommates are shady and one is possibly just going to evict everyone next month with a 30-day notice... I might just have him move in if I get a place. I know a one bedroom is too expensive and I know I'll get too lonely without a housemate... pets we know are a bad idea for Betty, as are plants... poor things... but yeah... Joe's a neat freak and a workaholic so with me getting my life in order to pay off debt and get onto my goals I will be too. We'll rarely see each other and if I find the ideal place we'll be far enough that we won't bother each other, either. He's a smoker so he'll do his thing outside and if you know me you'll know I'm obsessed with scent... therefore, I won't be the slightest bit tempted to touch his stank ass unless, say, I'm single AND lonely... and say my nose fell off. Yes. Has to be all three. Thanks.

So there's me. It is just another shit day, though, so in all honesty tomorrow I can go back to being Betty and sit there as a blob and accept my shitlife as it is. Or... I'll start moving on with my life.

5:14 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos

Thanks. No, really. I appreciate it.

"So," squeezes my arm, "you gaining a little weight there, Betty?" ~cousin
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jon. "Lemmie guess, you just did something totally stupid again and it was your fault?"
me. "Yeah..."
jon. "Thought that was the problem. I just didn't want to say it at first."
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oh yes. and mustn't forget the best one of today:
"So, where are you?"
"Hanging out at my friend Joe's house, talking about stuff."
"Joe... from Starbucks?"
"Yeah, that one."
"Oooooh..."
...pause...
"... you aren't screwing around with him behind Ben's back are you?"
"No, Jon, I'm not. But thanks for that. Really."
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Ah, yes. So confident in myself and my self image. No, wait, I hate myself, think I'm stupid, think I'm a whore from dating around, and have on and off eating disorders ... hunh. Weird. Wonder where that's from.

So much to think about now. Well, same thing, just different perspectives and insights. With these... I'm thinking... yeah... don't think I'm cut out for things. Vague/cryptic much? Yes, yes we are. People suck, pain sucks, emotions suck, and being never rested sucks. Yeah, you could say I'm hating it.

But hey, I'll get over it. Always have, so always... should. Will. Yeah.
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"Fuck you, stop your bitching, and get over yourself." ~Joe

3:01 AM - 9 Comments - 2 Kudos