Wednesday, June 21, 2006

So lonely...

I'm down. I'm so tired of all the bullshit talk that goes on and no actions that are made to back it up. He read my blog that said he's gone and called me up saying it hurt him to read that and that he's not going anywhere and hasn't... yet whenever I want him around or to talk to he doesn't answer or can't do anything since he has to go to bed early... even though that night he won't go to bed until the same time as always... between 4-8am. It's the same as it was when suddenly we were "more" than friends... he talked and talked saying he cared and was there for me but no, when it came down to it, he wasn't. Why say this shit if you don't mean it? Why say you're sincere in what you say and you're honest if you're just pulling air out of your ass and throwing it in my face? It's fucking tiring to hear the same things over and over and to cry over this stupid shit that I know now isn't going to change. It's good that this is happening this way, though... I need to ween myself away from it all but I'm so attached I can't and so I'll ask him to come over but he either doesn't answer or he's busy... so that's actually for the better. I still have his shirt and I keep going to it and I keep getting waves of loneliness but the way things are progressing I think I'll be able to pass it by soon enough...

On another note... Apparently Chris needs a place to stay and asked Bobby if the room is still open. Didn't ask me or respond to me asking him if he needed a place since I was thinking if I leave he and UK Bobby could move in, although now I'm hearing UK Bobby might not be coming back to Sac and that's sad, but he asks Bobby. Dunno how I'd deal with that. If he was overly bitter like before I might just kill him. Otherwise I think I'd be OK? I don't know... I think I'm over it totally since it was really just me being retarded and attached to... whatever I could attach myself to. I mean, like Jon brings up constantly... I couldn't name one good thing when asked about what I liked about him... only thing was that it was the comforting old feeling that the guy was making me feel like shit. Comfort good, I guess, but not in this case.

I keep finding flying bugs in my room. Then I get paranoid they're all over me and biting me and in my ears. I keep feeling things crawling in my ears. I hope it's not really happening.

I deleted Ben from this friends list... so he can't see this anymore... is that immature? I don't want to make another preferred blog thing and either way he'll know he's being left out... I don't know... I named him again. I named him Giggles McGee because whenever he's on chat he says "hehehe" after like everything that I say. Even if it really isn't funny.

I'm not wanting to go to bed. I was exhausted an hour ago. I really should have slept then. But this hollow feeling is so nauseating. I hate when I get in this phase and I avoid and put off going to bed so that I don't have to wake up... but it's going to happen and I know it will and it always happens at like 6am I get tired and pass out then don't want to wake up when I need to since, well, I went to bed fucking late. I wish I could just fix my brain and the fucking stupid logic I have. It's not even logic. When it comes to other things I'm more logical than most others, but when it's me... I know it's wrong but I still do stupid shit.

I feel like cutting again. No, I'm not going to since I scar really badly, but my wrists are doing the "empty me" thing again as if if I do then my inside aches will go out and go away. So I have the carpul tunnel and the emotional wrist ache. Lovely.

I fucking suck.

Oh, and I took an Ambien the other night and I totally didn't pass out. It took a lot of effort to fall asleep. Great. So now that doesn't work either? I can't afford to take two pills to sleep.

3:36 AM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos